Why does my life suck so hard?

Dear Lup,
I forgot my ipod and am now faced with a one hour train ride home
after an exam that I'm sure I'm going to fail. Why does my life suck
so so hard?
Thanks kindly,
No music hurts my soul

Dear No music hurts my soul,
Excuse me while I shed a tiny tear. That is indeed sad. Expensive entertainment devices, public transportation, education.
Get a grip, man! Other people (like me, maybe) have real problems, like no space between our uvulae and our tongues, which causes snoring and potential death given the right circumstances.
That's right.

Don't quit without taking the time to be a jerk

Dear lupinion,
Would you ever under any circumstances give more than two weeks notice to a job? I didn't think so.
Thanks.

Dear reader,

Sometimes I am baffled at the people who read lupinion (yes, there are many!) It's like you don't even know me.

OF COURSE I would give more than two weeks notice!

Look, at first it might seem like a good idea to give as little notice as possible and stick it to your boss, whom you've always secretly pictured going bankrupt without you. Maybe leave on a Friday like any other Friday, except you stole all the change you could find in people's offices and your away message says "Suck it forever." People will show up on Monday and be a little mad, but really, who are we kidding? By Friday they'll forget all about you and only mention you when they tell your replacement about what an asshole you used to be.

But consider this instead: you give them 2, 3, months notice and you make it like it's all about the work you still want to get done. You could be out of there any second, but your choice is to stay and "wrap things up." Have a grave look on your face. Use expressions like "clean slate" and "paving the way" and "learning." Now your boss and coworkers are all impressed. They still want you, remember. They want you to keep working away on their insipid, useless projects. They appreciate all the things that you've always done but none of them used to notice. Like showing up, or always having the most expensive snacks. Now they love having you around. You're doing them a favor.

Once they approve your extreme notice, you're gold. Then -then!- you can do what you've always dreamt of doing: nothing, but with no consequences. Want to watch an extra episode of Saved by the Bell in the morning? Stay home an extra hour! You can show up at 11, you're leaving! Don't want to work on that project with all the words and the actions? Shred that motherfucker and make yourself a paper chain bracelet with it! Want to wear a fur hat to work? Rock that dead baby! What are they going to do, fire you?! You already quit!

Really, think about this before you rush into anything. The opportunity to show up at a job and have everyone know that you hate them and can't wait to stop working with them, is not something that should be wasted. It's what people call success.

If god is powerful, why doesn't he have power?

Dear Lupinion,
Why hasn't Mike Huckabee withdrawn from the race yet? Is it because GOD is telling him to continue? If GOD is indeed speaking through Mike Huckabee then why hasn't he rigged the election yet so that Mikey would win? I mean, considering GOD is a supposed super being this seems doable though I'm not GOD nor am I affiliated with GOD so I don't know.
Is GOD a delegate?
Thank you,
Lupinion for President in 2008


Dear Lupinion for President in 2008,

I barely know who Mike Huckabee is and I'm even less interested in god.

Let's play a game and say god existed. You're assuming he'd be able to win something. Maybe god's a loser, have you considered that? Even in his god story, god's had a lot of failures. He didn't really have a body (although he liked lamb), he talked funny, his son was all kinds of wrong, etc.

Well, that game was fun. But really, there is no god. Don't worry.

Lupinion is like a unicorn. It can't be known.

Dear Lupinion,
Do you have a myspace account? I want to friend you. LOL.
If not, can you please create one so that we can be friends? Increasing my friend count validates me in some odd way.
Thank you kindly,
Myspace Stalker

Dear Myspace Stalker,
The only thing better than having a column about my opinions is having a column about myself. I like conversations strictly about me and my life. They make me feel very admired, which is true.
I do not have a myspace account because myspace is like those series where they make people older and then younger again, as if they had flashbacks or immortality. Maybe this doesn't make sense to you, but the bottom line is that the answer is no.

I pretend I don't watch the Oscars

Dear L to the U to the P to the - you get the idea,

I'm not going to be able to watch the Oscars. Could you give me your highlights of the evening? I've heard you're quite a celebrity whore. Like, celebrity gossip, not an actual celebrity whore, like Tara Reid.

Sincerely,
Celesbianaire

Dear Celesbianaire,

I am indeed a celebrity whore, but not a cheap one who cares about the Oscars. The Oscars are for debutants and old ladies, except the technical categories, those are good, even though they're not on TV and I've never actually seen them.

Even if the Oscars were a real competition, I hate all competitions and people who like to win. I like to win, but that's different.

I do support Diablo Cody, even though her writing is quite preposterous. I wish I'd thought of Diablo first, I would totally own that name, except I'd call myself Diablo Nutella, so as to appear both mutinous and heir-like.

Is lupinion kind of over lupinion?

Dear lupinion,
There hasn't been a posting since last Monday! What is happening? I am in desperate need of advice!

Dear Reader,
I can't explain this lull in queries any more than you can. All I can hope is that at this very moment, everyone's out there fucking up their lives and soon there will be a deluge of questions once again.
Your question was lovely.

No lupinion, oddly

Dear Lupinion,

I have a huge, dirt cheap apartment in a great neighborhood. However, it includes a roommate who (whom?) I do not at all enjoy. This has not been a problem until now because she used to work outside of the country over 90% of the time.

Suddenly she is home, with no foreign work in site. I panicked and assumed I'd have to move. But a couple of days ago I overheard my roommate having a phone conversation. She said, "...god spoke to me and told me I would be doing different work now, but that it will be work I love."

In a separate incident, she showed me a newspaper that had been in a pile under her bed for several years. On one page, there was a photo of Heath Ledger's former girlfriend, Michelle Williams. My roommate pointed to the photograph with eyes full of meaning. "What?" I asked. "Well I was just reading about her and then I saw that I had saved this." She seemed to feel that this proved she was somehow...plugged in? To the... zeitgeist? Fuck if I know.

So Lupinion, I was struck by inspiration: she thinks god speaks to her, and she is capable of seeing signs in the most mundane of places. I have now decided to plant a series of "signs" pointing to her moving out of MY apartment and far, far away. She has spoken of moving to the smaller southern city where her family lives, and though this has recently become less attractive to her due to some sibling troubles, I still think it is the most likely target.

Do you think this can be done? Do you have any suggestions for "signs" I can plant?

Diabolically,
Emma

Dear Emma,

As you know, I waited a very long time to answer your question, which has caused you to hate me. I understand. I must confess that your question gave me a lot of pause, because it was quite inspirational in its gratuitous ill-will. I loved it so much and although I read it over and over, I couldn't think of anything to write you. You seem to have lupinions already, and that is wonderful.

Normally, I wouldn't advise anyone to rely on god (LOL), but in the case of your roommate, I think if she won't listen to god, she won't listen to anyone. Have you considered that god could "leave voicemails" for her? Maybe that's too juvenile, although I imagine messages from god would be very long and whispery, two things I love. On the other hand, there's no reason why god couldn't "speak to you" about your roommate's future, if you know what I'm saying, and usually everyone does.

Tea addition= wombmoon?

Dear Lupus,
My fiancée has been drinking tea and it's worrying me. You might be wondering why I'd be worried about a little thing such as tea but I'll tell you why. It all started with Lemon Ginger. Then a few more boxes. Then a few more. Now we have the entire Yogi tea selection that is at Whole Foods at our house! Last time we were at Whole Foods I saw her carrying around a box of tea called "Moon Cycle". I had to smack it out of her hand and drag her out of the store before she shamed us both with her disgusting purchase. Oh Lupinion, I think my fiancee is turning into a WOMBMOON! I don't know what to do!
Helpless in Tea Land


Dear Helpless in Tea Land,

I’m very glad you brought up this issue, because I have a lot to say about drinking tea. I believe very much in the power of tea, especially chamomile, which can cure anything, either via compress or drinking.

It is true that the progression of your fiancée’s purchases, from Lemon Ginger to Moon Cycle, is worrisome. However, Helpless in Tea Land, you might take comfort in reflecting a little bit on the tea industry, especially that coming out of Eugene, OR. As you well know, Oregonians are renowned for being a very shrewd, money-hungry, scruples-less dynasty of cut-throat moguls, who will sell anything to anyone, just to make a buck so they can pave paradise and put up another parking lot. Therefore, Moon Cycle probably IS Lemon Ginger, only packaged in a bag with a different prayer on it, like one about the moon and its cycle or something.

Don’t worry. Every tea except for chamomile is harmless and has no purpose. Next time your fiancée asks you to go tea shopping, go happily and do not fear: no true wombmoon could ever afford to shop at Whole Foods in the first place.

Is taking prescription medicine really necessary?

Dear Lups,
I'm supposed to take medicine to help me focus but I keep forgetting to take the medicine so that it will actually help me. How do I break this vicious cycle?
Thank you,
Currently in class and not focusing


Dear Currently in class and not focusing,

Are you still reading lupinion?

I’m very glad you brought up this issue, because I have a lot to say about taking medicine. I hate swallowing pills, including vitamins, which aren’t really medicine but pointlessly huge gobs of smelly powder. They produce cancer, I am sure of it. What’s the point of them, anyway? What is it that we do that we need so many vitamins? Sitting and talking? I’m pretty sure even a bowl of Ramen has enough nutrition to keep us alive. If you ask me, taking vitamins is like drinking water all day long – frivolous and kind of desperate.

If I must take medicine, I crush it and pour maple syrup on it. It’s the only way I can justify swallowing it. People get annoyed with me sometimes, because after I put any medicine in my mouth, even the kind soaked in maple syrup, I hold it on my tongue for 2 to 6 minutes, until I can work up the self-injurious behavior to swallow. I usually jump up and down and wail with my mouth closed and point to my throat to alert people of the danger I’m in. I’m told people don’t understand why I can’t just swallow it, but it’s not that easy, of course.

You might not realize that the reason you “forget” to take your medicine is its vilety, which is a real word. If medicine was cheesecake, you bet you’d remember it! Hey, actually, if I had to take the same medicine every day, I probably would bake it in a cheesecake! A pill per slice! I wonder if it would lose its potency, but you could always just eat more.

So there you go.

Short Break

Lupinion is on a short break due to dreadful, prolonged sickness with the Tyra flu, but will be back shortly to answer all the questions you’ve sent in.

Is finding the same as stealing?

Dear Lupinion,

Some friends of mine (a couple) recently "found" an iPhone on the slopes at a certain unnamed ski resort. Apparently this iPhone was just glistening in the snow, waiting to be retrieved by them.

The phone was off and powered down because it had been on the slopes losing power. They did not turn the phone into the lost and found -- instead they decided to take it home with them.

Since said friend is vehemently against Apple and only buys cheap impostor MP3 players, they did not have an Apple charger. So my friends return home from this ski resort, go to the Apple store to get a charger and charge that baby up.

This is where I would start checking the contacts and e-mails or taking the phone to AT&T to find the rightful owner.

Instead, what do these people do? They hack it over to T-Mobile so that they can now use it on their network. Now they couldn't be more in love with their sweet little iPhone and its cool user interface. (So much for hating Apple when it's free!) I have a total ethical issue with this. I have already told my friends once over e-mail and once in person that I would have returned the phone to its owner and that it's really easy to find the owner's contact info in the phone. They contend that the AT&T service had been cut off and they couldn't have done this. Not only have they stolen the phone from its owner but they've hacked the system.

I am so upset about this that I don't know if I can continue a friendship with these people.
Lupinion, what are your thoughts?

Signed,
iHaveaniPhonedilemma


Dear iHaveaniPhonedilemma,

First of all, I was distracted by your question actually being a question and your use of real paragraphs. It’s like you’ve never read lupinion before.

No matter. I like a person who can use “its” properly and I decided to give your query a lot of consideration. I asked my most trusted friend for input. She doesn’t know about this column because I don’t want to wonder if she likes me for me or for lupinion, so I said, I said, “A ‘friend’ wanted to know what you would have done?” And she was like, “What friend.” I was like, “You don’t know her.” And then she was like, “Yeah, right. You’re lying.” I was like, “No I’m not.” Then she was like, “Whatever. I would’ve totally taken the phone.”
“Hm,” I thought, “I agree.”

Then I realized that you don’t, iHaveaniPhonedilemma, and that your question wasn’t even about that. Your thoughtfulness, iHaveaniPhonedilemma, albeit unnecessary for this site, moved me to believe that you would have, in fact, found the rightful owner. And also, when you said, “I [would’ve found] the rightful owner.”

Here’s what you should do. Call the resort and ask if someone reported a lost iPhone. If they say no, then unfortunately you’ll have to live knowing that your friends could’ve gotten in a lot of trouble but didn’t. That will be annoying. But if someone did report the loss, as I suspect they did, give the Lost& Found office your friends’ information, indicate with air quotes that the phone has been “found”, then sit back and enjoy your priceless gift. I can tell that no one will suspect you and I envy you for that, because if that ever happened to one of my friends, it would take them less then a second to figure out who did it.

Do I hate my girlfriend?

Dear Lupinion,
Lately I've noticed that although I really enjoy my girlfriend when we're together, if I look at her pictures and haven't spent a lot of time with her, I begin to feel funny, like I could totally hate her if we weren't dating. But the minute I see her again, that hate disappears and it's all hearts and flowers again. What does this mean, lupinion?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I can relate to you because sometimes, when good things happen to people I love, but my life is hard and unfair, I get really mad and annoyed with them.

The truth is, people are mostly unbearable. Sometimes, when they’re around, their minimally acceptable qualities can momentarily make us feel like they’re somewhat tolerable. Sometimes we might even feel a tinge of remorse for having wished them ill. Then, their ability to make us feel guilty about something or other can dwarf their irritating qualities. However, distance erases in-person attributes and only their intrinsic essence of existential insufferability remains.

Nothing you can do, it’s normal.

A gander at gender

Dear Lupinion,
What gender do you identify as?
Sincerely,
Sir Gender-a-lot

Dear Gender-a-lot,

I appreciate the curiosity, but I don’t talk about my penis.

Orrrrrr…… my vagina!
Ha ha ha ha, thought you got me, didn’t you?!

Orrrrrr…... my non-penis or non-vagina!
Ha ha ha ha, thought you got me again, didn’t you!?

Oh, whatever.

Which is better?

Dear Lupinion,
I often find myself not quite knowing what to do. Should I write to you every time I have a quandary? OR, should I write to former-famous-comedienne Paula Poundstone's cat? She also has an advice column.
Love,
Purr-plexed


Dear Purr-plexed,

I reviewed the link you sent me carefully. Then I asked my cat what I should tell you. And you know what she said? NOTHING! Because she’s a fucking cat and she can’t talk or give advice! She jumped from the couch into a plant pot and got stuck there because her butt’s too big and she couldn’t turn around. Her cat forehead was pressed against the wall and she was losing her balance and it made me laugh. I had to get up and rescue her and then she bit me. And the whole time, even while afraid she’d fall and get in trouble, you know what she said? Meow, meow. She couldn’t say any words, because she’s a cat.

Lupinion is human, but if you want advice from a cat, I'll consult my cat every time you write “us” and then tell you what she said. And it would be the truth, not a LIE, and you could know that lupinion has integrity and options.

Problem

Dear Lupinion,
What is my problem?
Don't you ever get the urge to say to somebody, "you know what your problem is:"?
Well I want to be that somebody.
Seriously, what is wrong with me?
Best,
Me.

Dear Me.,

By Me., I don’t mean me, but you, and that’s how lupinion should be read.

Obviously, I don’t know you, but I have thought about your question a lot. I considered any imaginary good and bad qualities that I could assign you. Still, in the end, your bad qualities outnumbered the good. But this was more of a general fact than a specific problem.

Last night, someone told me that, if I wanted, she would buy Alli the diet pill for me. I could tell you what’s wrong with her, but you, I’m not sure. Maybe the same thing.

Should I leave urban glamour for country mediocrity?

Dear Lupinion,
Sometimes I dream about leaving behind my glamorous life in the big city and moving into my friends' abandoned garden shed.
Should I be more ambitious?
Love,
Petunia

Dear Petunia,

Ah, yes, the call of the abandoned garden shed in the friends’ back yard in a medium sized city... What glamorous urbanite on the fast track to success hasn’t heard that call before?... Not anyone who’s ever made something of themselves, I’ll tell you that. I hope that makes sense.

Petunia, I myself heard this call long ago and left my glamorous life in the city in hopes to become famous and happy. Yes, now I own a garden shed, which I’ve abandoned. Am I famous? I don’t think I need to answer that anymore. Am I happy? Not at all.
In conclusion, the answer is this: Yes, you should move, as long as you just live in the shed, but don’t own it. In other words, you mustn't be more ambitious, but less ambitious- and that’s the first true lupinion of 2008.

Another bad smell. Hm....

dear lupinion,
recently i've discovered having gas of another kind. vaginal flatulence is what i'm talking about. no amount of clenching prevents it from escaping. today, i was at my co-worker's desk and it started up again. the rumble was so low, yet i was too embarrassed to say, "excuse me." what is the best thing to do in these situations? acknowlege it? explain it? ignore it? i'm pretty sure she heard.
please help!
sincerely,
L

Dear L,

Don't be embarrassed. Everyone does something natural once in a while. You just do it in a very embarrassing way. What you should do is what I do when natural parts of life happen, and that is ignore that they happened. No matter what the evidence, ignore it. Everyone knows it's you. Admitting it won't make it any less horrendous.

Next time it happens, look up at the ceiling, whistle the theme of Married with Children, put your hands together and twirl your thumbs. Currently and forever, that is the body language indicator that says you didn't do it even though obviously you did.

Finally, I decided not to use your full name and I think you know why.

Bad smell from special place

Dear lup,
I have this friend, let's call her G., and she has this odor that might be coming from her special place and I don't know how to tell her.
Help lupey! How do I talk to my friend about it!?
Yours,
sick in NYC

Dear sick in NYC,
I assume by special place, you mean the sandy beach with softly-breaking waves and low-growing palm trees that we all go to pre-hypnosis or upon being tickle-tortured. I understand how hard it is not to judge other people’s happy places, since most of them are stupid. Your friend’s, in particular, seems to be extra crappy, with bad smells and probably dirty things like pigeon poop all over or something.
What can you do? Hm… Not much, I’m afraid. If it makes her happy, she’ll probably hang on to it like a kitten to a teat. She won’t give up her shitty smells that easily. Your friend is a pervert, most likely, one of those sniffing freaks, and while I personally don’t have a problem with that, you do evidently.
Have you tried ruining it for her? If not, do. When it comes to happiness, I say it's all of us or none of us, and I have a feeling you will agree.

Is lupinion like luponion?

Dear Lups,
Is it true that you're really just trying to be witty like the Onion (to no avail, mind you)? We all see through you.
Your unfaithful reader,
Anon.

Dear Anon.,
You know when you’re sitting around with your friends and you’re like, “I’m taller” And they’re like, “No way, dude, you’re an anomaly of shortness!” And you’re like, “No I’m not, cat poop, poop pooped by my cat!” And they’re like, “Yes you are, cloned penis gland!” And you’re like, “Shut up, opposite of brains!” And they’re like, “Prove it, brownie squeezer!” And then you sit back to back and you lose, cause you’re shorter?
It’s like that.

Baffling geography

Dear Lupinion,
Is it true the Romania is really a country? I'm so baffled, can you please explain? Also, can you explain why Slovakia was a country during WWII but not before or after WWII?
Your ever loving reader,
Santa

Dear "Santa,"
You should not be going around acting like you’re all about the gifts for Christians and shit. What does Santa mean, anyway? Is that like some kind of saint with some kind of accent? You’re like a baby pirtz, man.
And you know who else hates you, Santa? My cat, she eats kibbles shaped like Santa, then poops them out and poops on them.

Are fake degrees real?

Dear Lupey,
I keep signing my emails MD, PhD, Esq but no one believes that I really have my PhD and that I'm a lawyer and that I practice medicine. How do I make them believe me?
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

You will be pleased to know that you are not alone. Many people have this problem, as they try to win at being better than their families and friends. Just as I am typing this, people all across America are making a better life for themselves based on their fake college degrees, while in reality, their only skill is playing Guitar Hero guitar.

Dreams are more important than facts and you should never let anyone tell you differently or different, depending on which form is actually correct. Facta, Non Verba!, as the T-shirt says. What you do is more important than what you say. Keep busting into those cancer wards, filing those judgments, and writing those science books. Call strangers from the phone book and say you're with their doctor's office! Practice giving them test results! Wear a bowtie around your friends! Sure, maybe not everyone will believe you at first. But other fake PhDs will. And people from other countries. And soon, everyone else.

A sincere good luck to you, my friend. Shine on!

Is bathing necessary?

Dear lupinion,

Should i take a bath tonight or tomorrow morning? I mean, I kinda smell, but I'm tired.

Dear Anonymous,
I think we all know the answer to that.

Can I be friends with my ex?

Dear Lupinion,

I recently had dinner with my ex. At one point in the evening, I loudly requested that he put his "big, stupid, round eyes back into his fucking head and stop looking at me like I'm crazy!"Earlier today, he offered to kill me (I was kind of asking for it). Sometimes when he crosses my mind, I accidentally think about things like licking his face so hard that his features smear smooth like ice cream.
My question is: do you think we are ready to be friends?

NYC Jenny


Dear NYC Jenny,

The problem with writing a column like this is that I have to form my opinion based solely on the facts you, the fans, share in your questions. And so, based on what you shared, it appears that your ex is a lovely person who eats, isn't afraid to kill you, and is in some way like a dairy dessert. I like him.

Look, there are many ways I could say this. But in the words of Ne-yo,

Girl what's your problem

I think you know good and well

Aint nobody strokin like me*

Girl i'm your problem.

And by me* I mean your ex.

But maybe you already know about Ne-yo. Maybe you're the kind of person who thinks about hip hop songs at the most inappropriate times and you just don't care. All you care about is if you're ready to be friends with your ex with big, stupid, round eyes. Are you? I'm asking you. I. Am asking. You.

Get it? I can't answer that, only you can.

But basically, no, you aren't. He's not done strokin.