Why does my life suck so hard?

Dear Lup,
I forgot my ipod and am now faced with a one hour train ride home
after an exam that I'm sure I'm going to fail. Why does my life suck
so so hard?
Thanks kindly,
No music hurts my soul

Dear No music hurts my soul,
Excuse me while I shed a tiny tear. That is indeed sad. Expensive entertainment devices, public transportation, education.
Get a grip, man! Other people (like me, maybe) have real problems, like no space between our uvulae and our tongues, which causes snoring and potential death given the right circumstances.
That's right.

Don't quit without taking the time to be a jerk

Dear lupinion,
Would you ever under any circumstances give more than two weeks notice to a job? I didn't think so.
Thanks.

Dear reader,

Sometimes I am baffled at the people who read lupinion (yes, there are many!) It's like you don't even know me.

OF COURSE I would give more than two weeks notice!

Look, at first it might seem like a good idea to give as little notice as possible and stick it to your boss, whom you've always secretly pictured going bankrupt without you. Maybe leave on a Friday like any other Friday, except you stole all the change you could find in people's offices and your away message says "Suck it forever." People will show up on Monday and be a little mad, but really, who are we kidding? By Friday they'll forget all about you and only mention you when they tell your replacement about what an asshole you used to be.

But consider this instead: you give them 2, 3, months notice and you make it like it's all about the work you still want to get done. You could be out of there any second, but your choice is to stay and "wrap things up." Have a grave look on your face. Use expressions like "clean slate" and "paving the way" and "learning." Now your boss and coworkers are all impressed. They still want you, remember. They want you to keep working away on their insipid, useless projects. They appreciate all the things that you've always done but none of them used to notice. Like showing up, or always having the most expensive snacks. Now they love having you around. You're doing them a favor.

Once they approve your extreme notice, you're gold. Then -then!- you can do what you've always dreamt of doing: nothing, but with no consequences. Want to watch an extra episode of Saved by the Bell in the morning? Stay home an extra hour! You can show up at 11, you're leaving! Don't want to work on that project with all the words and the actions? Shred that motherfucker and make yourself a paper chain bracelet with it! Want to wear a fur hat to work? Rock that dead baby! What are they going to do, fire you?! You already quit!

Really, think about this before you rush into anything. The opportunity to show up at a job and have everyone know that you hate them and can't wait to stop working with them, is not something that should be wasted. It's what people call success.

If god is powerful, why doesn't he have power?

Dear Lupinion,
Why hasn't Mike Huckabee withdrawn from the race yet? Is it because GOD is telling him to continue? If GOD is indeed speaking through Mike Huckabee then why hasn't he rigged the election yet so that Mikey would win? I mean, considering GOD is a supposed super being this seems doable though I'm not GOD nor am I affiliated with GOD so I don't know.
Is GOD a delegate?
Thank you,
Lupinion for President in 2008


Dear Lupinion for President in 2008,

I barely know who Mike Huckabee is and I'm even less interested in god.

Let's play a game and say god existed. You're assuming he'd be able to win something. Maybe god's a loser, have you considered that? Even in his god story, god's had a lot of failures. He didn't really have a body (although he liked lamb), he talked funny, his son was all kinds of wrong, etc.

Well, that game was fun. But really, there is no god. Don't worry.

Lupinion is like a unicorn. It can't be known.

Dear Lupinion,
Do you have a myspace account? I want to friend you. LOL.
If not, can you please create one so that we can be friends? Increasing my friend count validates me in some odd way.
Thank you kindly,
Myspace Stalker

Dear Myspace Stalker,
The only thing better than having a column about my opinions is having a column about myself. I like conversations strictly about me and my life. They make me feel very admired, which is true.
I do not have a myspace account because myspace is like those series where they make people older and then younger again, as if they had flashbacks or immortality. Maybe this doesn't make sense to you, but the bottom line is that the answer is no.

I pretend I don't watch the Oscars

Dear L to the U to the P to the - you get the idea,

I'm not going to be able to watch the Oscars. Could you give me your highlights of the evening? I've heard you're quite a celebrity whore. Like, celebrity gossip, not an actual celebrity whore, like Tara Reid.

Sincerely,
Celesbianaire

Dear Celesbianaire,

I am indeed a celebrity whore, but not a cheap one who cares about the Oscars. The Oscars are for debutants and old ladies, except the technical categories, those are good, even though they're not on TV and I've never actually seen them.

Even if the Oscars were a real competition, I hate all competitions and people who like to win. I like to win, but that's different.

I do support Diablo Cody, even though her writing is quite preposterous. I wish I'd thought of Diablo first, I would totally own that name, except I'd call myself Diablo Nutella, so as to appear both mutinous and heir-like.

Is lupinion kind of over lupinion?

Dear lupinion,
There hasn't been a posting since last Monday! What is happening? I am in desperate need of advice!

Dear Reader,
I can't explain this lull in queries any more than you can. All I can hope is that at this very moment, everyone's out there fucking up their lives and soon there will be a deluge of questions once again.
Your question was lovely.