Don't quit without taking the time to be a jerk

Dear lupinion,
Would you ever under any circumstances give more than two weeks notice to a job? I didn't think so.
Thanks.

Dear reader,

Sometimes I am baffled at the people who read lupinion (yes, there are many!) It's like you don't even know me.

OF COURSE I would give more than two weeks notice!

Look, at first it might seem like a good idea to give as little notice as possible and stick it to your boss, whom you've always secretly pictured going bankrupt without you. Maybe leave on a Friday like any other Friday, except you stole all the change you could find in people's offices and your away message says "Suck it forever." People will show up on Monday and be a little mad, but really, who are we kidding? By Friday they'll forget all about you and only mention you when they tell your replacement about what an asshole you used to be.

But consider this instead: you give them 2, 3, months notice and you make it like it's all about the work you still want to get done. You could be out of there any second, but your choice is to stay and "wrap things up." Have a grave look on your face. Use expressions like "clean slate" and "paving the way" and "learning." Now your boss and coworkers are all impressed. They still want you, remember. They want you to keep working away on their insipid, useless projects. They appreciate all the things that you've always done but none of them used to notice. Like showing up, or always having the most expensive snacks. Now they love having you around. You're doing them a favor.

Once they approve your extreme notice, you're gold. Then -then!- you can do what you've always dreamt of doing: nothing, but with no consequences. Want to watch an extra episode of Saved by the Bell in the morning? Stay home an extra hour! You can show up at 11, you're leaving! Don't want to work on that project with all the words and the actions? Shred that motherfucker and make yourself a paper chain bracelet with it! Want to wear a fur hat to work? Rock that dead baby! What are they going to do, fire you?! You already quit!

Really, think about this before you rush into anything. The opportunity to show up at a job and have everyone know that you hate them and can't wait to stop working with them, is not something that should be wasted. It's what people call success.