I pretend I don't watch the Oscars

Dear L to the U to the P to the - you get the idea,

I'm not going to be able to watch the Oscars. Could you give me your highlights of the evening? I've heard you're quite a celebrity whore. Like, celebrity gossip, not an actual celebrity whore, like Tara Reid.

Sincerely,
Celesbianaire

Dear Celesbianaire,

I am indeed a celebrity whore, but not a cheap one who cares about the Oscars. The Oscars are for debutants and old ladies, except the technical categories, those are good, even though they're not on TV and I've never actually seen them.

Even if the Oscars were a real competition, I hate all competitions and people who like to win. I like to win, but that's different.

I do support Diablo Cody, even though her writing is quite preposterous. I wish I'd thought of Diablo first, I would totally own that name, except I'd call myself Diablo Nutella, so as to appear both mutinous and heir-like.