Dear Lupinion,
I recently had dinner with my ex. At one point in the evening, I loudly requested that he put his "big, stupid, round eyes back into his fucking head and stop looking at me like I'm crazy!"Earlier today, he offered to kill me (I was kind of asking for it). Sometimes when he crosses my mind, I accidentally think about things like licking his face so hard that his features smear smooth like ice cream.
My question is: do you think we are ready to be friends?
NYC Jenny
Dear NYC Jenny,
The problem with writing a column like this is that I have to form my opinion based solely on the facts you, the fans, share in your questions. And so, based on what you shared, it appears that your ex is a lovely person who eats, isn't afraid to kill you, and is in some way like a dairy dessert. I like him.
Look, there are many ways I could say this. But in the words of Ne-yo,
And by me* I mean your ex.
But maybe you already know about Ne-yo. Maybe you're the kind of person who thinks about hip hop songs at the most inappropriate times and you just don't care. All you care about is if you're ready to be friends with your ex with big, stupid, round eyes. Are you? I'm asking you. I. Am asking. You.
Get it? I can't answer that, only you can.
But basically, no, you aren't. He's not done strokin.
