Tea addition= wombmoon?

Dear Lupus,
My fiancée has been drinking tea and it's worrying me. You might be wondering why I'd be worried about a little thing such as tea but I'll tell you why. It all started with Lemon Ginger. Then a few more boxes. Then a few more. Now we have the entire Yogi tea selection that is at Whole Foods at our house! Last time we were at Whole Foods I saw her carrying around a box of tea called "Moon Cycle". I had to smack it out of her hand and drag her out of the store before she shamed us both with her disgusting purchase. Oh Lupinion, I think my fiancee is turning into a WOMBMOON! I don't know what to do!
Helpless in Tea Land


Dear Helpless in Tea Land,

I’m very glad you brought up this issue, because I have a lot to say about drinking tea. I believe very much in the power of tea, especially chamomile, which can cure anything, either via compress or drinking.

It is true that the progression of your fiancée’s purchases, from Lemon Ginger to Moon Cycle, is worrisome. However, Helpless in Tea Land, you might take comfort in reflecting a little bit on the tea industry, especially that coming out of Eugene, OR. As you well know, Oregonians are renowned for being a very shrewd, money-hungry, scruples-less dynasty of cut-throat moguls, who will sell anything to anyone, just to make a buck so they can pave paradise and put up another parking lot. Therefore, Moon Cycle probably IS Lemon Ginger, only packaged in a bag with a different prayer on it, like one about the moon and its cycle or something.

Don’t worry. Every tea except for chamomile is harmless and has no purpose. Next time your fiancée asks you to go tea shopping, go happily and do not fear: no true wombmoon could ever afford to shop at Whole Foods in the first place.